FROM HOME & CLASSROOM MAGAZINE: GASP! What Did That Child Say?
What do we do when children catch us off-guard?
By Jessica Orellana | Social-Emotional Development Educator
As a Kindergarten teacher, I often heard children say the darndest things during play. Sometimes their comments made me laugh and other times they made me gasp. One time, in particular, I was sitting in the dramatic play area with a group of children when one of my students said, “…and then she has to die!” My initial reaction was, “What! No! Why does she have to die?” My gut reaction stemmed from my own personal experiences with death and the feelings associated with it.
This immediately transformed the play from child-centered to adult-centered. Although our feelings can be strong, they are often an innate response and predominantly an unconscious process. We may not be able to predict what themes bring up strong emotions until that experience is activated in our brain. During these moments when we are caught off guard, we can take note of our responses and practice mindfulness for the future.
For young children, play themes are often linked to memories and activities children have experienced directly such as birthday parties or “house.” Other times, play is generated from knowledge acquired indirectly, such as through the media or adult experiences. For instance, shared themes of children’s play and adult life might involve going to work, arguing or death. The origin of play as a social entity was largely researched by social psychologist Lev Vygotsky. Vygotsky recognized the importance of social interactions and the major role more skilled individuals have in children’s construction of knowledge. This interaction is called scaffolding.
Scaffolding is the process in which someone with knowledge and skills beyond the learner provides support to expand their understanding. As children play with adults or more experienced peers, they create new themes and play serves as a way for children to express desires, negotiate rules and practice daily and cultural traditions. The themes children explore progress and change with development and through their interactions and environment. As adults, we all have our own boundaries and triggers that may be confronted as children explore the world around them. Maybe we are comfortable facilitating play related to death, but we feel uncomfortable when children engage in gunplay, fighting or romantic themes.
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For example, what is your reaction when children give their peer a kiss? Kissing is a form of affection that children often share with those that they love. We interact with others in the ways we are taught and express both positive and negative emotions based on our previous interactions. When children are in safe and secure environments, they are more likely to form positive attachments to their peers.
Physical affection such as kissing and hugging are developmentally appropriate ways children express their feelings before learning the language. If we do have a strong reaction, it is important to consider if we are applying the adult context of kissing, resulting in oversexualizing a developmentally appropriate behavior. Our reaction might ultimately discourage the child’s process of play and willingness to explore a familiar theme of love and family.
So what can we do when we are uncomfortable? How do we honor our feelings, but encourage play? Ask questions: Children might not have the same intentions that you think they may have. Use parallel talk: Provide an ongoing description of the play detailing what you have noticed. For example, if two children are role playing house and both want to be the daddy, you might begin by describing their roles. For example, “Elijah is going to be the daddy and so is Mason. Elijah is feeding the babies and Mason is making breakfast.” State things in a matter of fact way: For example, if a child pretends to be a parent yelling at a child you might say, “Sometimes adults get upset.” Notice your feelings when they come up and reflect on the story you tell yourself. It is okay to have strong feelings and the more we recognize our own, the better we can support our children.