FROM HOME & CLASSROOM MAGAZINE: Are You Talking To Me?
Are You Talking To Me?
by Mary Miranda
Home and Classroom
Volume 6 - Babies
My first child was a surprise C-section. Having complications from the anesthesia along with a lingering lack of support for breastfeeding in the early 1980s resulted in my plan to breastfeed being put aside. The nurse in charge of the bottle-fed babies was a large woman with a strong Nordic accent.
In my mind, I called her Helga the Horrible; she completely intimidated me as she hovered while I fed him, changed him, and bathed him; frequently taking over the job to show me how to do it ‘correctly’. Immediately after he was fed and my baby care lesson ended, she would rush him back to the nursery. I never had a real chance to just hold him and relax with him and to enjoy forming that initial bond. I had never in my life felt so unconfident and incompetent. Three days later, her final words to me as we left the hospital were, “You have an easy baby here. Now you be a good mother and don’t go spoiling him, you hear me? I’ve got him on a nice 4-hour schedule for you.”
As my husband and I drove home I thought about what Helga had said and I resolved that I would be a perfect mother and do as she had advised. While it seemed that he always wanted to eat after 3.5-hours, I was able to keep to the strict 4-hour schedule for the morning and the early afternoon feedings by using a variety of techniques to distract him from his hunger. But his late afternoon meal was different. His cries grew very loud very quickly, his face turned a motley red, and his fists clenched. He was clearly very distressed. As I watched him frantically moving his mouth and head around searching for his bottle, I knew Helga was wrong and I gave him his bottle.
From birth, your baby will talk to you. They obviously can’t use words but will communicate needs to you with a variety of signals. These signals are called baby cues and evolve and expand as they develop. You will notice cues in the sounds she makes (such as crying, cooing, vocalizations), how she is moving or holding her body (such as leg motions, tension, reaching, pointing, rate of breathing) and the facial expressions she makes (such as degree of eye contact, unfocused staring, intent staring, frowning, smiling).
Since no two babies are exactly alike, each will use his own combination of cues to talk to you. But how do you know what those cues mean? WHAT is your baby trying to tell you? Their movements may seem random, the facial expressions may seem fleeting, and there seems to be an endless variety of cries. Figuring it all out at first can feel overwhelming. It can be heartbreaking to hear your baby crying and not know what he needs. There will be a lot of trial and error at first, as you offer one solution and then try another. Perhaps you hear the baby start to grumble a bit after you have just fed him and laid him in bed. When you pick him up and rock him, he continues to fuss. Next, you try putting him over your shoulder and patting his back. Suddenly, he burps, and immediately relaxes. Success! Next time he grumbles like that, you will know he might need help with burping.
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It gets easier with time and practice. You will begin to notice patterns. You may notice that when he talks to you by making sucking noises, smacking lips, nuzzling your breast, or putting his fist in his mouth, he is telling you that he is hungry. When he talks to you by yawning, staring into space with unfocused eyes, starts tugging on his ear, sucking on his fingers, or ceasing to maintain eye contact, he is telling you he is tired. When your baby talks to you by making and holding eye contact, has body movements that are smooth and relaxed and the facial aspect is alert with wide open eyes, smiling at you, imitating your facial expression, tracking a toy you move from side to side, he is telling you he wants to play and interact with you. When he talks to you by turning his head away from you or the object he was looking at, begins squirming and getting restless, or arches his back away from you, he is telling you she needs to stop and take a break.
Translating baby cues is like being a detective. Cues are like clues. As a sensitive and responsive parent, you will observe the cue clues your baby gives, then interpret the meaning of them and respond appropriately to the baby’s need for nourishment, comfort, or stimulation.
In The Conscious Parent, Dr. Shefali Tsabary writes “Free yourself of all distractions, and attune yourself to them in a state of curiosity and delight.” Spend as much uninterrupted time with your baby as possible. Relax and enjoy him. Focus on his behaviors, facial expressions, and sounds. Babble with him. Give him time to babble back. Gradually, the patterns will emerge, you will become adept at reading his cues, he will become adept at reading yours, and communication will become smoother as you become attuned to each other. One morning you hear him murmuring to himself in his crib. He turns toward you as you enter his room and you gently call, “Good Morning.” He coos back at you, smiles, and raises his arms toward you. You smile and ask, “Are you talking to me?”
In your heart, you know the answer. Yes, he most certainly is.